发霉啦：今天，我起床后非常兴奋

迟到
今天，我起床后非常兴奋，因为我要和我非常喜欢的一个男生进行第一次约会。我穿戴整齐，来到我们约好见面的地方。我等了大约两个小时。我打电话问他在哪里，他很生气，因为他还在睡觉，我把他吵醒了。FML
Running late
Today, I woke up very excited because I was going on my first date with this guy I really liked. I dressed very nicely and went to where we were supposed to meet. I waited for about 2 hours. I called him to ask him where he was. He got angry because he was still sleeping and I woke him up. FML

禁止这种“规则”！
今天，我不得不向丈夫解释，如果您把牙线掉进马桶，5 秒规则就不适用了。FML
Ban that "rule"!
Today, I had to explain to my husband that the 5-second rule doesn't apply if you drop the floss into the toilet. FML

嗨，你好吗？
今天，我无意中听到了一位同事和一位新员工之间的对话。新来的女孩正试着熟悉别人的名字，她问我的同事：“哪个是希瑟？” 他回答：“讨厌的那个”。她说，“哦，那是希瑟”。我就是希瑟。FML
Hi, how are you?
Today, I overheard a conversation between a coworker and a new employee. The new girl was trying to get familiar with people's names, and she asked my coworker, "Which one is Heather?" He answered, "The annoying one." She said, "Oh, that's Heather." I'm Heather. FML

Alexa，播放 Radiohead 的《Let Down》
今天，我一直暗恋的同事终于约我出去吃午饭。我很紧张，因为我们没什么可聊的。他花了整整一个小时谈论他的新女友有多棒。FML
Alexa, play "Let Down" by Radiohead
Today, the guy I've been crushing on at work finally asked me out to lunch. I was nervous we wouldn't have anything to talk about. He spent the entire hour talking about how amazing his new girlfriend is. FML

完美主义者
今天，我们完成了厨房的重新装修。我爸爸一如既往地强迫自己做到尽善尽美，所以当他发现一个架子几乎没有水平时，他决定调整螺丝。架子掉了下来，砸坏了我的地板，于是他扔掉了螺丝刀，砸碎了一块墙砖。谢谢爸爸。FML
Perfectionist
Today, we finished redecorating my kitchen. My dad has been his usual OCD self about getting it perfect, so when he noticed a shelf was just barely not level, he decided to adjust the screws. It fell off and damaged my floor, so he threw the screwdriver and cracked a wall tile. Thanks dad. FML

来个后空翻
今天，我走到后院。就在这时，我的狗从我身边跑过，把拉门撞出了轨道。我去抓门，结果把鸟笼撞翻了。就在我转身去抓鸟笼的时候，我踩到了一坨狗屎。我当时没穿鞋。我们都没事，但是...... FML
Do a backflip!
Today, I walked out into my backyard. As I did so, my dogs ran past me, slamming the sliding door off its track. I went to catch it, and knocked the bird cage over. To complete the fumble, as I turned to catch the bird cage, I stepped in a dog turd. I wasn't wearing shoes. We're all okay, but… FML

服务条款
今天，我奶奶说我被宠坏了、物质至上、美国化，因为我提醒她用完马桶后可以冲水。现在家里规定“三尿一便”之后才允许冲水。FML
Terms of service
Today, my grandma called me spoiled, materialistic, and Americanized for reminding her that she can flush the toilet after she uses it. The family now has a "three pee, one poo" minimum before we're allowed to flush. FML

乏力
今天，我暗恋了几个月的女孩邀请我参加一次集体徒步旅行，这样她就不会成为山路上身材最走样的人了。FML
Knackered
Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip, just so that she wouldn't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML

但是我的孙子
今天，我和未婚夫与父母共进晚餐。我妈妈问我们什么时候考虑要孩子。我的未婚夫兴高采烈地说：“等猪飞起来，地狱结冰的时候！”他说得没错，但我希望能更温和地告诉他这个消息。FML
But my grandbabies!
Today, my fiancé and I were having dinner with my parents. My mom asked when we were thinking of having kids. My fiancé cheerfully said, “When pigs fly and Hell freezes over!” He’s right, but I was hoping to break the news a little more gently. FML

浪漫
今天，我妻子坐在我身边的浴缸台阶上，因为她想亲热一下。我当时正在上厕所。拉屎。FML
Romance
Today, my wife sat beside me on the ledge of the bathtub because she wanted to make out. I was on the toilet. Shitting. FML

原文：https://www.fmylife.com/
投稿：混沌分析